Not Funny
by Lady Valmar
Summary: He was tired. More like exhausted. It had been the longest day in awhile and all he could think about at the moment was the female standing before him, a huge, serrated knife aimed at his lower regions. One Shot.


Title: Not Funny

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: One Shot

Rating: T

Archive: FB, SGAHC, FF

Spoilers: Season 2

Summary: He was tired. More like exhausted. It had been the longest day in awhile and all he could think about at the moment was the female standing before him, a huge, serrated knife aimed at his lower regions.

**Warning**: Contains some chest hair kink, an amazon-ish woman and the shredding of Sheppard's clothing. LOL!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis or any of the characters, So stuff not owned by Stargate Atlantis is mine and therefore please ask and do not infringe nor steal my original themes, concepts, ideas or characters please.**

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… **.LV.** …

**Not Funny**

By _Lady Valmar

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He was tired. More like exhausted. It had been the longest day in awhile and all he could think about at the moment was the female standing before him, a huge, serrated knife aimed at his lower regions.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard had never been taken prisoner by a tribe of women before, nor had he been given more offers for a one-night stand than he had had in a year. It was the weirdest thing. So it should not have surprised him when he wouldn't agree to the offers that one of them decided to take it by force if necessary.

"Look, I don't know if you know this or not but my people are…"

_Shing._

The dagger was swung down in front him to land in the dirt between his legs just a hair's breath in front of his privates. Sheppard's mouth dropped open and he froze, momentarily in shock at the woman's display.

"That…next time…will be your crown jewels understand?" said the woman, her steely, gray eyes flashing.

Sheppard just nodded. How did he get himself into this sort of thing? Oh right…it was all Rodney's fault. Okay so maybe it really wasn't Rodney's fault but didn't Rodney usually get him into situations like this? Ah right…so its only justifiable that he blame the scientist then.

"Struggling will only make it last longer," said the woman, her leather outfit creaking as she approached him, her eyes glued to his chest and some drool at the corner of her mouth.

Sheppard jerked against the restraints again, he hoped that rescue would come at any moment before this woman did whatever it was she was intending to do to him. The way she was looking at him made him wonder.

As she leaned closer, her hot breath on his face, she yanked the dagger out of the Earth and sliced open his shirt with it, her black hair rustling and a giddy smile on her face.

Lucky thing I didn't move. Thought Sheppard. As she stared at his chest, he felt kind of sheepishly embarrassed.

"Hey!" protested Sheppard as she began to play with his chest hair.

"Quiet!"

Sheppard found himself wondering... How do I get myself into these types of things anyway? Come on Rodney! Where are you? What the heck is she doing? Wow not the hair...don't pull the hair...

"Y'ouch!" screamed Sheppard, as she giggled and yanked a hair out.

Snaking her hand up his chest to grip his chin, the woman smiled. "Your friends are gone. We...I...made sure of that so I get to keep you and your…" the woman trailed off, her hands rubbing up his chest, "...chest."

Sheppard just stared. Okay she is definitely got a chest fetish he thought.

Raking the dagger up his pant leg she tore open one than repeated the process on the other. Practically shredding the clothing on him.

Not the pants! Their the good ones! Thought Sheppard, glaring at her.

Thankfully, to his relief,rescue arrived just in time to stun the woman before she began to rub her face again on his chest and proceed to lick it.

"Sheppard?" said Ronon, raising an eyebrow.

"Took you guys long enough!" said Sheppard grumpily.

"Yeah yeah…and it wasn't like we could have been spared the rainbow striped underwear!" said Rodney, a disgusted look on his face.

Sheppard quickly struggled against the restraints as he tried to cover his boxers. Ronon began to cut the ropes and Sheppard glared at Rodney.

"Just wait Rodney. When this happens to you, I'll be laughing my head off!" shouted Sheppard sarcastically. Then he realized that the woman had drooled on his chest…hastily he used his torn shirt to wipe it off.

"This is not funny Rodney!"

_fine_

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**A/N**: This was just on of the random fics I wrote a while back that I decided to finish and post. Well it was also the only fic my computer hasn't messed up...LOL! Ugh...I have to retype Bound To Happen and Going Commando's next chapters sigh... 


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